It is such a fun moment of life when you are married, discover you are pregnant, and get to share that amazing news with your husband. Some moms shared stories tonight of those moments, and fun ways they told their husbands the good news.
Not everyone's story is easy to remember, some are of a joy mixed with pain and fear, if it was an unplanned pregnancy, or one outside of marriage. One of the consequences of sex outside marriage is pregnancy. Chapter 5 of "Sex has a Pricetag" talks about this. Do guys know that the law now requires them to pay child support until the baby reaches age 18? That didn't used to be the case, but now dad can get his wages garnished monthly to help raise the baby he helps father.
Chapter 5 lists some ways teens try to not get pregnant-it's worth getting the book and reading it. Each option has definite problems- condoms, birth control, other types of sex than intercourse, withdrawal method. Regardless, not surprisingly, many still end up pregnant. Our discussion tonight was of 5 different options of choices for a girl who finds herself unmarried and pregnant. We broke into groups and let the girls talk through the pros and cons of each choice, and also talked about all the people who would be affected by each choice.
The 5 options we could think of were: 1) raise the baby alone 2) marry the guy 3) adoption 4) abortion 5) have parents help raise baby.
There was lively conversation, emotional stories, and very thought-provoking realizations that came from discussing all of these options, and the ramifications of each. One lie that we hear often is "well it's my body, I have the right". It's probably true that the woman pregnant is affected more than anyone else, and does have "rights". But what is even more true, is that every choice we make affects someone else, and it's usually a ripple affect to many people. It's never just about us. It's never just a choice that "we decided to have sex and it's our business". The baby itself has the most rights, to be born, taken care of, and valued.
Here are some thoughts you all came up with:
When you get pregnant, if you decide to keep baby, your friends and family around you are affected by your decision when they help you take care of baby. The baby is given life and a chance which is ideal, but will live without having a dad in the home.
When you get an abortion, the baby is affected obviously, you will be affected more than you can know, the dad of baby is sometimes heartbroken and can't even be a part of the decision, the family members are robbed of what should be a wonderful family relationship. God's heart is broken.
When you choose adoption, you, along with the dad and your family will have to go through the heartbreak of giving a baby up. There are positives also, like the baby is blessed with a good home, you've blessed a couple really wanting children. Even with a great family, the child will have issues to deal with too.
If you marry the dad, you all decided that could go good or bad, just depending. Everyone seemed to think having your parents help raise the baby was awkward, and affected alot of relationships, but that happens alot everyday. There are many grandparents raising grandkids.
It helps to think through these choices ahead of time, and think about what life would be like if you found yourself in this position. There are options, but all of them come with a cost. All of these situations are difficult. Ideally, you won't get yourself into this position! But many girls do, and we want you to be ready to know how to think through situations like this, even to help someone who may find themself pregnant.
One of our own girls told her testimony tonight of her mom, pregnant with her, found herself on the abortion table, about to abort her, when God spoke to her to stay pregnant. God spoke twice. She eventually got up, left, had her baby and saw many miracles of how God provided for her through amazing miracles. It's an amazing story of the hope and grace of God in truly impossible circumstances. He can turn anything around. We heard of another girl, not in our city, who was raped, almost had an abortion, but decided to go through with pregnancy. She has an amazing beautiful daughter now.
A big problem that we need to think about how to deal with is this- many abortions that occur are from Christian girls who are afraid to tell anyone they are pregnant. Many end up at places where they can get an abortion quietly and never have to tell anyone, to avoid the shame and stigma. What we've got to create is an atmosphere or culture where girls are not afraid to come to us with this issue. Yes it's difficult, but we have to be able to help girls through when they find themselves in need. We as believers should be the place they can come for help. I think a huge part of this answer needs to come from teens themselves, and we adults need to listen to them in how to solve this. It deserves a lot of attention and thought.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
FWB
Friends with Benefits. Booty calls. Since this came up last week as such a prevalent trend even among Christian teens, we spent more time on this topic. I believe there's a direct tie between this trend/casual sex and emotional problems/depression in young people today. There are many researchers and doctors that agree.
God knew what He was doing when He created us. He knows what works and what doesn't work. He tells us how to live in order to have the best life. He also gives us free choice to choose whatever we want, but He doesn't bless all of our choices. If we choose to live outside of His guidelines, then we pay some consequences. He's not happy about that, it's just the way it works! He never stops loving us, trying to get our attention, to draw us in so that He can help us and love us as He wants to. He wants a good life for you! If we could only see that His commandments are for our protection...He cares about you more than you can imagine.
FWB takes us so far outside of how He created us, that it carries with it emotional baggage you weren't intended to carry. First of all, it's no secret that women for all time have loved romance, being pursued by a man, and the whole allure of mystery and romance. We love being valued, being worth the fight of a man trying to win our attention! As we saw in Eph. 5 study, we're made to be loved by a man who will commit to us and form a covenant relationship with us. This man loves us selflessly and puts our needs ahead of his own. Now compare that to the current trend of casual sex with no commitment, no pursuit, no lasting relationship, no expectations...it's mostly about servicing his needs, which is completely selfish on his part. It's the opposite. Some teens may think "Well that's all that's out there, that's all I can expect". Wrong. There are others who want to live God's way. And you attract what you expect. If casual sex and FWB is all you expect of yourself and others, that's what you'll find. If you value yourself more than that, and expect to find someone who agrees, you will probably find someone who thinks just like you!
Girls are depressed and unhappy for the most part after participating in the whole FWB trend. Girls cannot take out of themselves the eternal part of their heart that longs to be loved and committed, because it's put there by God. When you aren't loved like that, but you are giving away the very most vulnerable, valuable part of you, you're going to be disappointed!
Guys are hurt by this trend too, I'm just writing from a girl perspective right now. It's not the way God designed men to operate, so they are living short of what He designed them for also. Therefore they'll have emotional consequences too. God can speak through our emotions! If we feel so badly about something, maybe it's because we're not doing something right? Many times girls don't want to admit they feel let down by FWB. They may assume something is wrong with them. What's wrong is the culture and the trend, not your disappointment with it. When the culture expects you to be able to give yourself, then walk away unaffected, that's not normal.
From the book "Sex and the Soul of a Woman" by Paula Rinehart, she says "The message that she should be able to walk off unaffected, as a man supposedly would, must be drilled into her. It does not come naturally.....I have found that women tend to ask more often the painful question, 'What's wrong with me?' Physical intimacy feels like an investment of one's self. Thus, leaving or being left prompts a good deal of self-doubt and second-guessing. One's naked self feels exposed and unwanted."
Wendy Shalit, another author on this subject says "It is the pain we feel when sexual bonds are made and broken that reminds us we were made for more. God made women to experience the joy of a lasting, enduring relationship with a man. That we cannot deaden our hearts successfully is the best apologetic I know for the truth of how God made us....We think, I need to be less sensitive. If only I could keep my heart from getting involved. There must be something wrong with me."
There's nothing wrong with you, it's impossible to keep sex separate from emotion! You feel the way you feel because the sex is out of context.
True loves comes from God. He desires that we value other people, not use them. We should not use other people's bodies or emotions for our own benefit, and we shouldn't let others use us wrongly for their benefit. Being used leads to disappointment and depression.
YOU are worth more than that. You can hold out for something better.
Chapter 4 of Sex has a Pricetag talks about the cost of abstinence. There is a cost to following the casual sex/FWB trend. The cost is emotional baggage, disappointment, maybe STD's, spiritual implications... The cost of abstinence is saying no to your desires for now, having to be "different" than most, but the payoff is so much greater long term. Your teen years are so short, and the rest of your life is a LONG time to live with consequences. Do the hard work now, and live a great life. Or play now and spend a long time living out the damage.
Two websites that gather stories from teens and young adults who are striving to live pure until marriage give us some encouragement that there are others out there doing this!
www.gostudents.net
www.freewebs.com/truelovemustwait.com.
Read these for encouragement!! Add your own story. Think about how you want your life to be long term, and then decide what you need to do now in order for that to come true.
God knew what He was doing when He created us. He knows what works and what doesn't work. He tells us how to live in order to have the best life. He also gives us free choice to choose whatever we want, but He doesn't bless all of our choices. If we choose to live outside of His guidelines, then we pay some consequences. He's not happy about that, it's just the way it works! He never stops loving us, trying to get our attention, to draw us in so that He can help us and love us as He wants to. He wants a good life for you! If we could only see that His commandments are for our protection...He cares about you more than you can imagine.
FWB takes us so far outside of how He created us, that it carries with it emotional baggage you weren't intended to carry. First of all, it's no secret that women for all time have loved romance, being pursued by a man, and the whole allure of mystery and romance. We love being valued, being worth the fight of a man trying to win our attention! As we saw in Eph. 5 study, we're made to be loved by a man who will commit to us and form a covenant relationship with us. This man loves us selflessly and puts our needs ahead of his own. Now compare that to the current trend of casual sex with no commitment, no pursuit, no lasting relationship, no expectations...it's mostly about servicing his needs, which is completely selfish on his part. It's the opposite. Some teens may think "Well that's all that's out there, that's all I can expect". Wrong. There are others who want to live God's way. And you attract what you expect. If casual sex and FWB is all you expect of yourself and others, that's what you'll find. If you value yourself more than that, and expect to find someone who agrees, you will probably find someone who thinks just like you!
Girls are depressed and unhappy for the most part after participating in the whole FWB trend. Girls cannot take out of themselves the eternal part of their heart that longs to be loved and committed, because it's put there by God. When you aren't loved like that, but you are giving away the very most vulnerable, valuable part of you, you're going to be disappointed!
Guys are hurt by this trend too, I'm just writing from a girl perspective right now. It's not the way God designed men to operate, so they are living short of what He designed them for also. Therefore they'll have emotional consequences too. God can speak through our emotions! If we feel so badly about something, maybe it's because we're not doing something right? Many times girls don't want to admit they feel let down by FWB. They may assume something is wrong with them. What's wrong is the culture and the trend, not your disappointment with it. When the culture expects you to be able to give yourself, then walk away unaffected, that's not normal.
From the book "Sex and the Soul of a Woman" by Paula Rinehart, she says "The message that she should be able to walk off unaffected, as a man supposedly would, must be drilled into her. It does not come naturally.....I have found that women tend to ask more often the painful question, 'What's wrong with me?' Physical intimacy feels like an investment of one's self. Thus, leaving or being left prompts a good deal of self-doubt and second-guessing. One's naked self feels exposed and unwanted."
Wendy Shalit, another author on this subject says "It is the pain we feel when sexual bonds are made and broken that reminds us we were made for more. God made women to experience the joy of a lasting, enduring relationship with a man. That we cannot deaden our hearts successfully is the best apologetic I know for the truth of how God made us....We think, I need to be less sensitive. If only I could keep my heart from getting involved. There must be something wrong with me."
There's nothing wrong with you, it's impossible to keep sex separate from emotion! You feel the way you feel because the sex is out of context.
True loves comes from God. He desires that we value other people, not use them. We should not use other people's bodies or emotions for our own benefit, and we shouldn't let others use us wrongly for their benefit. Being used leads to disappointment and depression.
YOU are worth more than that. You can hold out for something better.
Chapter 4 of Sex has a Pricetag talks about the cost of abstinence. There is a cost to following the casual sex/FWB trend. The cost is emotional baggage, disappointment, maybe STD's, spiritual implications... The cost of abstinence is saying no to your desires for now, having to be "different" than most, but the payoff is so much greater long term. Your teen years are so short, and the rest of your life is a LONG time to live with consequences. Do the hard work now, and live a great life. Or play now and spend a long time living out the damage.
Two websites that gather stories from teens and young adults who are striving to live pure until marriage give us some encouragement that there are others out there doing this!
www.gostudents.net
www.freewebs.com/truelovemustwait.com.
Read these for encouragement!! Add your own story. Think about how you want your life to be long term, and then decide what you need to do now in order for that to come true.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I DO/I DON'T.....There's No Gun Pointed at Your Head
Chapter 2 and 3 of "Sex has a Pricetag" start out by saying that God invented sex, made it to be good, so He surely must know the best context for sex in this life. There's no way around it, the only context that He says is right, and the only way that it will be blessed, is within the context of marriage. If you've said "I do", go for it, if not, don't.
Lots of teens think they are saving their virginity by doing everything but intercourse. In the book we saw that by medical definition, any genital contact is sex, so all that messin around qualifies! And it's a great way to catch a disease. The best example in the book is this- can you imagine a married couple saying "Hey honey, when I was on my business trip I had oral sex with this lady, but I knew you wouldn't mind since it's not really sex". No.
We verified that most everyone knows someone who has friends with benefits, with multiple partners, among Christian crowds and in youth groups. And you know people considering it. So how can you help them steer away from that decision? Pray for them, give them this book to read, talk to them about STDs, be the encouragement they might need, tell them you're not doing it so not everyone is, be an example of something different, someone standing up for a better way.
Sex has lost its value in our society, it has a "so what", "what's the big deal" attitude...everyone's doing it... lots may be doing it, but not everyone is. And the ones who are living this way are not experiencing sex at its best, the way that God blesses it in marriage. God is not trying to ruin your fun, but trying to help you have the best later. FWB and casual sex brings with it alot of destruction and emotional problems too, which we'll cover later...
The subject of pornography came up and how hard it must be for guys especially to live in this culture trying to remain pure. Pornography destroys many marriages. If someone "programs" themself to need pornography, they often can't even have a normal sex life later in marriage. I encourage you to start praying for your future husbands now!!
2 Cor 7:1 is a great scripture to pray for yourselves and for them. "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." Ask God that your husband will purify himself from everything that would contaminate his body and spirit, and that he would pursue holiness out of reverence for God.
Since the "sexual revolution" in the 60's, sex has become a lot freer, and moral guidelines are almost gone. But with that we have escalated depression and an epidemic of STDs. I believe there is a better way, that God knew all along because He created the guidelines we're meant to follow! Health professionals are even now questioning our current culture of casual sex, because it has turned into a health epidemic. Only when we follow God's ways are we blessed and at peace. He wants to help us get back there...
Lots of teens think they are saving their virginity by doing everything but intercourse. In the book we saw that by medical definition, any genital contact is sex, so all that messin around qualifies! And it's a great way to catch a disease. The best example in the book is this- can you imagine a married couple saying "Hey honey, when I was on my business trip I had oral sex with this lady, but I knew you wouldn't mind since it's not really sex". No.
We verified that most everyone knows someone who has friends with benefits, with multiple partners, among Christian crowds and in youth groups. And you know people considering it. So how can you help them steer away from that decision? Pray for them, give them this book to read, talk to them about STDs, be the encouragement they might need, tell them you're not doing it so not everyone is, be an example of something different, someone standing up for a better way.
Sex has lost its value in our society, it has a "so what", "what's the big deal" attitude...everyone's doing it... lots may be doing it, but not everyone is. And the ones who are living this way are not experiencing sex at its best, the way that God blesses it in marriage. God is not trying to ruin your fun, but trying to help you have the best later. FWB and casual sex brings with it alot of destruction and emotional problems too, which we'll cover later...
The subject of pornography came up and how hard it must be for guys especially to live in this culture trying to remain pure. Pornography destroys many marriages. If someone "programs" themself to need pornography, they often can't even have a normal sex life later in marriage. I encourage you to start praying for your future husbands now!!
2 Cor 7:1 is a great scripture to pray for yourselves and for them. "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." Ask God that your husband will purify himself from everything that would contaminate his body and spirit, and that he would pursue holiness out of reverence for God.
Since the "sexual revolution" in the 60's, sex has become a lot freer, and moral guidelines are almost gone. But with that we have escalated depression and an epidemic of STDs. I believe there is a better way, that God knew all along because He created the guidelines we're meant to follow! Health professionals are even now questioning our current culture of casual sex, because it has turned into a health epidemic. Only when we follow God's ways are we blessed and at peace. He wants to help us get back there...
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